Conversation with My Nightmare

Another nightmare again.

In this one, I was visiting a beautiful housing development site where all the apartment buildings were like Cinderella castles covered with colorful, sparkling tiles. There were the light blue one, the pink one and others. Four of us were there. We went in a tour bus. J picked a single seat, which meant I couldn’t sit with him, so I picked another single seat facing him. There were buttons on the seat and one of them moved the entire seat along a track. I was playing with that button, feeling the movement with my eyes closed. It was too late when I realized I was transported far away from my group along the track. I traced back where I thought I came from, trying to stay on it as close as possible so they could find me or I, find them.  Nobody came for me. I did run into the girls who were in my group but they were busy being in each other’s company. Nobody came for me.

I was wandering between the castles with many other tourists, worrying that if J would leave without me. I couldn’t call him because as usual I left my cell at home. “But he could call J,” I thought, since interestingly J was with me from time to time for a short while (probably shuttled as he is in real life between two households). I couldn’t seem to find him and wonder if he was looking for me. I was lost and nobody came for me….

It is very strange how the effect of profound traumatic experiences in life stays with you for life even after the event was far, far behind in the past. Like a ghost, it has no form but has 100% of his emotional capacity. Like a ghost without form, you don’t know how to handle it.

“Why are you here? Why don’t you go away?”

“I am the emotions that you hold inside you. Emotions are energy hence never die.”

“How am I going to be free?”

“You are free. I am here to show you what in you yet need to be transformed. When you know your fears and  wants, you can set out to either realize them or get rid of them.”

“I am still sad from being abandoned… being helpless as a child.”

“I am here to remind you that there is still work to do. Go inwards. And remember — I am only a dream. And cry yes cry my little girl. It’s in your tears the past will be released.”

Reading “The Lace Reader”

The Fourth of July Dinner Menu

BBQ Pork Ribs
Coleslaw
Berry Cobbler
Blueberry Smoothie

Needlessly to say, we had a great time with the dinner as the highlight of the day. B made me two CDs of Country and New Wave music. I felt so lucky. There is nothing in the world like a wonderful meal and good companies, not even splendid fireworks.

There were a few interruptions in the task of cleaning house yesterday, mostly involving reading books I was trying to put away. I got to read a little about Neptune and Sun aspects and then this book I picked up at the conference — The Lace Reader.

The concept of reading laces to tell fortunes and the setting of New England (or to be precise, Salem) of the book interested me since I more or less identify myself with witches after studying astrology and past life regression. However, the book turned out to be about domestic violence, incest and multiple personality disorder.

I put the book away knowing I won’t read it after all.

I wonder what will be like in my new therapy sessions. When I told my psychologist the kind of “punishments” I received as a child, I couldn’t hold back my tears. It took me some effort to finish describing them.

Despite my worry of revisiting the most painful memories of my life, that EMDR will break the spell of betrayal that has haunted me since childhood and enable me to feel genuinely happy without any trace of sadness whatsoever is all what I am looking forward to.

Intellectually I know that my cells are no longer what they were seven years ago. Spiritually I hold no grudges against those who harmed me in a sense that even forgiving is an understatement. It is my physical body I wish to resurrect through EMDR, to return it to its original state when it knows only perfect love but nothing else.

My journey is a gift to all. Watch me heal and then you will know that you can too.

New Moon

Today is New Moon, a good day to start new things. I was up around 5:30 am and went to my yoga class at 7:30 am. I also started my journey in a new type of therapy, EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, with a new psychologist. EMDR is an information process therapy in eight phases. I told T that my doctor is going to reprogram my automatic emotional responses by rewriting “the computer program” which had been there since my childhood — just like that!

By the way, I was on time for once for all my appointments and tasks. Something is going to change….

A Lamp for the Room

The Feng Shui consultant said that my studio felt really lonely and it was no wonder that I didn’t like to work in there. I remember the days I spent hours drawing Thangka in that room, so what changed? The mystery was solved when I put a table lamp on my project table yesterday. Then I thought of the floor lamp in the living room where I usually sit reading and the lamp on T’s piano he plays for his own amusement.

For some reason, the little warm, yellow glow in the darkness, not the big bright light filling up the room, gives us tremendous comfort, anchors us and makes a place home. We all should have an inner lamp like that.

I finished the Last Lecture. It will be a good video for me to watch with J before he goes away for school.

This is the last week of my second round of physical therapy — difficult but worthwhile. I happily checked out my thigh muscles in the shower. As D my physical therapist said, “Look! This girl now has legs.”

Next month, I will start a new type of psychotherapy with a new psychologist. We will see how that works.

A Dream

D was in my dream this morning. We were at J’s school function so J’s dad’s family were there too. He originally sat next to grandpa but they left. I was the only person who could see him or should I say — his ghost.

He wore three shoes, all different. He explained that his fellow ghosts must have grabbed the wrong shoes and left him with three lone ones. We talked while he held me. Other people who came to sit next to us left one by one since they could feel some creepy chill down their spine while not knowing why.

I was eager to show him the book I made but it kept on falling apart. Then he had to go….

I played with Illustrator and InDesign yesterday in class, making shapes, filling in colors and laying out pages. The task was to design a package about ourselves. I wonder what I can come up with.

T assigned me as the idea generator between us. I love the role but wonder how much of my time disappears in my exploring and daydreaming. Time management for the creative type seems to be an oxymoron. I used to keep a list and be on task all the time until I decided I rather leave room for dreaming and imagining. Is there a way to do both very well at the same time? Hmmm… this might be worth experimenting.

I have been watching Randy Pausch’s lectures online this week. He has a life cut short but nevertheless rich and fulfilling. He obviously is not going to waste any time dying. I haven’t finished his “Last Lecture” yet but look forward to hearing his insight on helping others realize their childhood dreams.

Words of My Teacher

While I was putting away dinner dishes and amusingly recalled my newest adventure, I heard what Erma had been telling me for quite a few years. She said, “You deserve a good man.” And I can’t wait to tell her that I finally got it and might have found him as well.

For years I was looking outside of myself for “the good man” and only until today did I realize the keywords in that sentence were “you” and “deserve” which are within. Erma would be “so” happy to have such a bright student like me — it only took me four years to really hear what she said.

My First Rock Concert

Let’s say I was completely contented to be a spectator instead of a participant. The whole time during the concert I was reminded of the mob that sent Louis XVI and his wife to their ill-fated destiny. I got a chance to ask myself about the last seven months of learning about Rock and Metal — is this “my” music?

In any event, I am a good mom, as K who was so surprised to see me at the concert pointed out to me. T said this kind of music is good to young boys and he himself did grow out of it — an important consolation since I started to doubt my judgment as a parent in this matter.

The book was done and printing was completed. I packed away all the art supplies and am ready to get back to my professional work.

T wanted to find out what my direction in life is. I actually don’t know. Cap girl always has goals, often more than one, but I wouldn’t call them life directions. However, I do know that whatever I do, it is to know and serve the Divine.

It is strange to find me where I am now. All my life I wanted so badly to be with someone that I often was sad to be alone. Now I am completely happy to go solo, I couldn’t seem to convince the Universe that my singlehood should be the status-quo for me — another life’s paradox. Either way I am happy though. Life has been generous to me and I will receive whatever comes my way with nothing but joy and gratitude.

(From iPod Touch)

Art Projects

I just uploaded the pictures of my latest artworks on my Flickr. Hope you like them and I don’t mind selling them for a small fee.

Le Menu de Diner Aujourd’hui

Menu

Tuesday, May 20th, 2008

Appetizer

Spring Salad Mix with Heirloom Tomatoes

 Entrée

Eggplant Salmon
Served with Potatoes with White Wine, Thyme, and Olives,
and Pan-Steamed Asparagus with Butter and Hazelnut Oil

 Dessert

Panna Cotta with Red Wine Syrup

(avec beaucoup d’huile d’olive)

Happy Being Myself

I finished the broadside I had been working on for a week. I am pleased with the result. It looks just like something Roseline would make. However, to be honest, there were several points in the process when I was ready to give up….

I asked myself why it mattered that I finished this piece this way. It could be much easily done and with absolutely no flaws if I just set the text on the computer and make a polymer plate for printing. Also for a class project that has missed its deadline, why try finishing it? I am neither a perfectionist nor obsessive. And I have a hard time considering setting types doggedly like that fun, even as a printer.

The answer, I think, lies in the power of our vision, of our dreams. As soon as I conceive the work, I have to make it and have to make it the way I have imagined in my mind. For this reason, I have to be very careful about what I want because whatever I put my mind on, I will succeed or at least try very, very hard no matter what it takes.

Officially Roseline is a printer in addition to being a papermaker — one thing to celebrate for during the full moon of May (it’s the “smallest” moon in 2008 since it will be farthest from Earth).

As my reward, I gave myself the treat of being a woman yesterday. I went to my favorite stores trying on summer dresses and then going through the perfume aisle enjoying the fragrant artwork of scent chemists. I was happy to be vain.